PART 10 - MY JOURNEY WITH MJ

There are some moments in life that look incredibly confident from the outside but feel anything but confident when you're actually living them.

For me, Burgie was one of those moments.

By the summer of 2022, MJ and I had finally fought our way back from what felt like endless rehabilitation programmes. We'd started the season at BE80, moved back up to BE90 and I'd recently made the slightly mad decision that we should stop worrying about results and move up to BE100.

At the time, it felt like a positive decision.

What I didn't fully appreciate was that my own mental health was deteriorating quite rapidly in the background.

A few weeks later I was signed off work with acute anxiety, stress, burnout and mild depression.

Looking back now, there were probably plenty of signs. I felt overwhelmed by everything. Decisions felt difficult. My resilience felt non-existent. Things that would normally have felt manageable suddenly seemed huge.

Yet at the same time, because of everything MJ and I had already lost to injuries, I felt an overwhelming need to make the most of every opportunity while she was healthy and sound.

When you've spent years watching plans disappear because of injuries and rehabilitation, you stop assuming there will always be another season.

So when entries opened for Burgie, I entered.

What I failed to appreciate was that Burgie was around a five-hour drive from home and had a reputation for being quite a substantial BE100.

Normally I would have researched both those things before entering.

But mentally I wasn't really functioning like myself at the time.

As the event got closer, I felt increasingly overwhelmed.

The day before we left, I remember wanting to cancel.

Not because of the fences.

Not because of the level.

Just because everything felt too much.

Even once we were on the road, I spent much of the first hour thinking we should turn round and go home.

I never actually said any of this out loud to Mum.

Instead, we kept driving.

When we finally arrived and I saw the cross-country course for the first time, I did have a moment of questioning my life choices. The fences looked significantly bigger than they had in my imagination.

But by this point there was one thing I was absolutely certain about.

I trusted MJ.

Completely.

I knew that if I rode positively, focused on my lines and stayed out of her way, she would try her heart out for me.

That trust turned out to be more important than confidence.

Because the truth is, I wasn't particularly confident that day.

I was anxious.

Overwhelmed.

Emotionally exhausted.

But I trusted my horse.

And sometimes that's enough.

MJ was incredible. She jumped her way round that course exactly as she always did, answering every question I asked of her. We completed our first BE100 with a clear cross-country round and although we picked up some time penalties, I couldn't have been happier.

The result itself wasn't really what mattered.

What mattered was proving to myself that I could still do things even when I felt anxious.

Looking back, that's probably one of the biggest lessons horses have taught me.

Confidence isn't the absence of fear.

It's not feeling calm all the time.

It's not walking into every situation believing everything will be easy.

Sometimes confidence is simply continuing despite the fear.

Loading the horse anyway.

Making the journey anyway.

Going through the start box anyway.

Trusting yourself enough to take the next step, even when your mind is telling you not to.

Looking back now, Burgie wasn't necessarily the biggest achievement of our season.

There were bigger results still to come.

But it may have been one of the most important days of my life as a rider.

Not because of the result, but because of what it taught me.

It taught me that confidence and anxiety can exist side by side.

It taught me that you don't need to feel brave to do brave things.

Most importantly, it reminded me just how much trust I had in MJ.

By the time we left Burgie, something had shifted. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't focused on what could go wrong. I was focused on what might be possible.

Three weeks later we headed to Glamis for our next BE100.

Neither Mum nor I had any idea at the time that it would become one of the most important competitions of our entire journey.

Interesting to notice that when I looked back for photos of us at Burgie there were absolutely none, only photos I took of the fences as I walked the course...and I think that's really indicative of my mental state of mind at the time!